Alcoholics Anonymous
by Pretty Spork
Summary: Voldemort sends Snape to A.A. for his fan fictioncreated drinking problem. Along the way, many famous alcoholics tell their live stories and why they drink. Very cliché, very random, and, above all, pure insanity. Includes Capitan Jack Sparrow, Hannibal L
1. Yo ho, Yo ho More Rum For Me

Title: Alcoholics Anonymous

Genre: Parody/Humor

Characters: Severus Snape, Capitan Jack Sparrow, Hannibal Lecter, Alice Cooper, and a handful of other characters that I've yet to reveal.

Summary: Voldemort sends Snape to A.A. for his fan fiction-created drinking problem. Along the way, many famous alcoholics tell their live stories and why they drink. Very cliché, very random, and, above all, pure insanity.

Set differently for each character. Think of it as everyone having a time turner, but stupidly turning it back too far.

Severus: Set after HBP, but before anything happens in book seven. Over the summer, basically.

Capitan Jack: While he's on the island, but Elisabeth isn't with him. Where he learned " Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)", You decide.

Hannibal: Current day, but set by the film, not the novel. Thus, Clarice isn't with him. Haven't you everwondered why he drinks all of that wine?

Alice: 70's stage Alice. Yes, Alice is a character, Alice (the non-character) has said it himself. Thus, I am obeying the rules.

Note: I love all of these characters dearly and am doing this purely out of love.

Inspired by Lactaid milk, Weird Al Yankovich and microwaveable cake._

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"My lord, I do not wish to be of burden to you, but I really believe that such punishment is unnecessary." Severus said, watching Voldemort gaze at his own reflection.

After a long and uncomfortable silence, The 'Dark Lord' spoke, "Unnecessary? Severus, you killed Albus Dumbledore without order. Not that I'm angry about that, but you almost hit Potter! I need him. I like him. He makes me twitchy and angry. We need him to live." He re-applied his lipstick and turned to Severus. "You've been a very naughty boy. You must be punished. Come here."

Severus knew exactly what was coming; It was Voldemort's favorite punishment for all Death Eaters, nobody could escape the spanking.

"My Lord, please. I'll do anything you ask! Just not that again. Please! I'll go to the dreadful Alcoholics Anonymous meetings! Please..."

Voldemort shook his head, his blonde wig falling to the floor. Immediately, he ceased his head-shaking and stared at the wig, fury in his eyes. "How many times have I told you to stay? Bad wig!" He screamed with tears in his eyes and threw every hex he could think of at the wig. Severus took this as an opportunity to sneak out. Voldemort called after him, "You're a good little boy, Severus! Now, go fetch me some sparkly things!"

'It's a shame I'm associated with such idiots.' He thought, walking down a dirty corridor. He turned a corner, and hit something with his foot. To his dismay, it was another one of Voldemort's BRATZ Dolls. Severus sighed and continued on his way, only to run into another one of Voldemort's possessions two steps later. Then two more steps later. Two more... Two more... Two more... One more... five more... two backwards and one more forwards.

Letting out a groan of frustration, he bent over and picked up the final item he ran into; a compact mirror. The room began spinning and he noticed Lucius cackling in the corner. Severus, realizing what was happening, spat a few curses at Lucius, but then his setting changed completely.

What Severus saw terrified him. It was grotesque, disturbing and, above all, positive...

-----

It took him a moment to fully digest his surroundings, as it was a very different environment than what he was used to. The room was covered from ceiling to floor in hot pink, fluffy trinkets and rum bottles littered the floor. A man was sitting lying on a (you guessed it) pink canopy bed, muttering inaudibly to himself and taking swigs of rum from a dusty bottle.

"Yo ho, you ho, a p-p-piratesss life fir meeee... dddrink up me heardiesss y-y-yooo hoooo!" The man said, raising his bottle and toasting to someone who wasn't there. "To The Black Pppearlll! May sh' never run ou' of rum!"

"Here, here." Severus said, taking a seat on the floor beside the bed and holding an unopened bottle of rum. The man sat bolt upright and stared at Severus, who merely stared back at him, bored.

"Wh-Who might you be, mate?" The obviously drunk man asked. He was an odd one; dressed in dirty clothes with beads in his hair. 'Maybe I'm in one of those Muggle Asylums'

"Why does it concern you?" Severus asked, taking a swig of the alcohol.

"'Cause this is my bloody s-s-ship! I've go' a right t-to know who's on my ship!"

"Fine." Severus said cooly. "I a-"

"Don't go agreein' with me, mate! I didn't say you could! Bessides," He said, stumbling over his words, "you're supposed to invoke the right of Pa... Poly? No. P-p-arsley? No. Pot-potty? N-no... Poorly? Nooo... Erm..."

Our dark one sighed, and rolled his eyes. This was going to be a very long day. "Parley, perhaps?"

"That's the one! Yeah, you're s'posed to invo... involve? No... evoke? No..."

"Invoke?"

"That's the one!" The man pointed a grimy finger at Severus, "Yeah, you're s'posed to invoke the right of Parley."

"Why?" Severus asked, taking another drink of rum.

"B'cause I ssssaid so!"

This man was giving Severus a headache. "If I do, will you shut up and let me drink in peace?"

"I-I can't make an-any guranteeeees. But, I might." The man said and smiled.

"I invoke the right of Parley. Also, I invoke the right to kill myself."

"Alssso created by the Frencchhh, you know." A dazed look spread throughout the mans face. "The creators of mayonnaise as well."

Snape managed to utter a sarcastic 'fascinating' before taking another drink. This was going to be a very long day, indeed.

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I know this is short (I'm sorry for that), but Ihope you enjoyed this. Review and I'll update. 


	2. An Hour Of Parley and Pain

Thank you readers. Bigger thanks to those who've actually reviewed! I like you. I like you a lot. Go you!

I just realized that I didn't add a disclaimer to the previous chapter... Oops.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the plot! Well, and the computer I created it on...? Okay, fine! It's not my computer! Spoil my fun, why don't you?

Severus' Alias is taken from the completely hilarious song 'I Must Be Emo.' DOWNLOAD IT! The pronunciation is Eh-moost Beh-emo.

Dedicated to the genius that is Craig Ferguson.

Onto the idiocy!

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"What is the 'right of Parley?'" Severus asked, curious as to what he was committed to.

The drunk man rolled over, falling to the floor before Severus' feet and passed out, face down on the ground. Severus cocked his head to the left and poked the man with his foot. No reaction.

'I could have some fun with this.' He thought, his lips doing something they hadn't done in a very long time. Angels sang, bells rang, the theme song to Mission Impossible played for no reason Severus could comprehend and... Severus smiled.

Then, the worst happened; The fuzzy ten year old girl's bedroom started shaking. Severus started to genuinely feel happy. But, noticing what was happening, he kicked the angels and returned to his trademark unreadable face. Was he happy? Was he sad? Was he mad? No, he was frustrated. Those damn angels never let him enjoy his happy moments, not even after he banished them to Lucius' last tea party with Karkaroff. He remembered when he made the near fatal mistake of attending one of Lucius' tea parties; the photographs of him table dancing in drag haunted him.

He needed to take out his frustration on something, anything... The man before him, perhaps?

While rising to his feet, he noticed that there was a bucket filled with water. Should he casually spill it's contents upon the unconscious form at his feet? Holding in his glee due to anticipation, he heard a knock at a door he'd not noticed before.

"Jack, are you in there?" A woman's voice asked, cracking the door slightly to see what 'Jack' was doing.

"Jack, is that his name? He's... sleeping." Severus said. "Who is he? More importantly, who are you?"

A beautiful woman, our lovely Mary Sue, stepped through the threshold. "I am Elizabeth Swann. And you are..?"

"Erm... Imust Bemo." He quickly added in an undertone, "Sir Imust Bemo, Miss Swann. You didn't answer my other question." Severus prodded the man on the ground with his black shoe. "Who's he?"

"He is a rum addict, bad pirate, bad makeup artist and incapable of normal human activity." Swann walked to the bed and sat down. "Also known as Capitan Jack Sparrow."

"Capitan?"

"Yes, his ship, this ship, is called The Black Pearl. I suppose you're here to be stranded on the island as well."

"Stranded?"

"I shouldn't have told you that... Oh well." She said, sighing and looking at Severus before changing the subject. "I suppose you're an alcoholic as well."

Severus quickly retaliated. "I am not an alcoholic, I just like to drink on occasion."

"The occasion being?" She questioned, raising her eyebrows.

He crossed his arms and glared at her. "The celebration of wasting another hour of my life teaching imbeciles how to brew potions, only having them to disregard everything I say and run rampant around my classroom."

"So, you're a teacher, then?"

"Yes."

"Teaching potions...?"

"Correct."

She paused. "You're another nutcase, are you not?"

"Not, Miss Swann. I am perfectly capable of thinking in a logical manner." He then took the cross tone he usually reserved for students alone. "Since I believe I have proven myself not to be insane, will you tell me where I am and what in the hell the Right of Parley is?"

"Parley? It means you are to be taken to the ship's Capitan unscathed and unharmed to negotiate a deal of sorts." She sighed and started to play with her hair. A grin soon spread across her lips. "Did you invoke the Right of Parley with Jack?"

He paused to think before answering. "Maybe I did. Why does it concern you?"

"Well, are you a pirate?"

"No."

"Then the code doesn't apply to men such as yourself." She then stood and walked toward Severus, who was eyeing her suspiciously. She had something hidden behind her back. "I'm sorry I have to do this." With a loud crack, Severus was unconscious on top of Jack's body. Elisabeth looked at the candelabra in her hand. "Daddy's orders, you know."

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I promise there will be less filler in the chapters to come. The beginning is always the slowest part.


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